It's Always Been There...

I was watching the heart-breaking documentary last night called I Am Celine Dion.  While not one of my go-to musical artists to listen to, I admire her talent and was sorry to hear she was struggling with Stiff Person Syndrome. What was that and what did that mean for her? It seemed like watching this special might give me a more intimate look than just reading medical write-ups. I was right.

There were a few moments where what was said gave me pause. One was when one of her medical team played a song after she had a devastating seizure.  The song was Who I Am by Wyn Starks. The words "...it's always been there..."  leapt out at me. This is so very true in my life.  I ended up looking up the song lyrics and reading them from start to finish.  If interested you can read them HERE.  The song talks about looking back on not loving himself as a child, but choosing to do so now, about knowing all you need is inside you.

I have always found great comfort in a quote I discovered later in life. It talked about our journey through life is to return us to who we were at birth.  Life certainly distracts us, and societal and family pressures mold us in ways both good and bad.  At our very core, we are who we were at birth. We are the person we were born to be.  For me, the song lyrics and the quote speak to the same truth.

 That said, it took me longer than a minute as the song implies to discover I was,  who I was meant to be. I was not broken or a mistake.  I had a purpose, one which once I discovered, I have grown to love. I don't need to change who I am or try to conform. How freeing is that? Despite this discovery, self-love and self-acceptance still isn't easy for me.  Every slip-up, every harsh criticism, every misunderstanding lands heavy on my shoulders.

If you are feeling you want to grow or become, it's time to pause and reflect on what is driving that urge.  Make sure you first have a clear vision of the person you truly are at your core. Growing and becoming is wonderful to work towards if you know yourself well and that growth is it guided by your true self. You are elevating your spirit. It can be very destructive, however, if influenced or guided by outside pressures that want you to conform. 

My conservative parents and relatives wanted a me to become a quiet, modest woman who loved the church and embraced society's vision of a woman's role.  It wasn't possible for me to fit into that mold. I have strong emotions and beliefs that have taken me in a different direction.  I have never been able to fake.  Like me or not, who I am rolls out of me as an unstoppable force.  

It was tough in my younger years when I was drinking the Kool-Aid.  I built a wall I hid behind and was careful in close friendships, believing if they new the real me inside I would lose their love.  In my adult years, after I finally began to understand and accept the person I was, my relationships began to change.  It turns out trying to fit the norms places you in social groupings of others who are either also trying to fit in, or who do fit in.  Accepting your quirks and talents draws you to groups filled with other who also walk a different path and offer room for other's uniqueness.  It takes time, and it takes trusting the process, but it works. 

I also found when I quit apologizing for who I was - my intensity, my passion, my curiosity and my racing mind - those around me became more accepting.  If I felt I needed fixing, others assumed I was right. If I felt good with who I was, it led others to accept me as I am.  That doesn't mean everyone likes or approves of me. It is simply a comment on the fact that how we view ourselves often rubs off on those around us. 

This is a constant work in progress for me. You can't spend decades feeling you are broken and then overnight embrace total self love.  However, I know the truth now and have an amazing circle of friends who lift me up.  When dark moments hit,  I no longer wallow in them or bury them deep. I shine a light on the negative thoughts and allow myself to feel the emotions. Then I allow it all to wash through me and out into the universe.  Not easy, but it is a way that works for me. 

Trying to be someone you are not will never bring you happiness.  Embracing the person you are will allow you to fulfill your unique purpose, one only you can do.  Be brave. Be bold. Be unapologetic.